The Male Ego and the Female Privilege

The male ego is not a bad thing. In the right doses, it’s potent as an aphrodisiac. The ego ensures a man competes and does his best to survive in harsh terrain. Admirable. Alas, in a big spill, the ego makes man hostile to being wrong, pressured to succeed, prone to depression in failure and arrogant when he has the means to. Isn’t that why men look up to Billions’ Bobby Axelrod and druglord Pablo Escobar, men with plenty of “fuck you money” and a lack of scruples.

The decadence is lauded while morals and compassion are labeled weak.  Men like New York Times bestselling author and relationship coach Matthew Hussey who value kindness would be dismissed by men as soft, weak. Nevermind that Matthew Hussey has gone on to achieve millions in following, influenced social culture and significantly impacted lives. Instead the impact of Pablo Escobar draws an intake of male admiration.  Escobar’s power and status seem to be the male fantasy while the carnage he created acquiring his legend is justified with the sangfroid of “he had to do what he had to do.”

The yin doesn’t come without the yang. The ambition will come with a lack of compassion, selfishness will wear down selflessness and humility will be cast aside in favour of the latest vulgarity of a car. The right ratios in these categories are not necessarily bad for life is a marathon that requires grit. The traits above (clearly favoured by natural selection) have proven to be most effective in thriving economies. Women who insist on their man providing and leading will have to stomach it when these qualities come up in huge crashing waves. You cannot eat your cake and have it all.

Pablo Escobar and Billions’ Bobby Axelrod are the power fantasies of most men.

While we understand the need for aggressive qualities to thrive, the 21st century has also seen the rise of gender friction. Words like “mansplaining,” and “toxic masculinity” have become mass words, and deepened the wrath and divide between the sexes. Men are depicted as privileged bullies who have it so much easier while women are victims having to claw their way. Much as I have my grouses about the Pablo Escobar in men, I find this unfair.

The Female Privilege

Having run a side business for years and going full on in the last 2 years, I have worked with plenty of men and women and felt the highs and lows of being a solopreneur. I’ve sat with female friends over juice and ramen, nurtured close friendships with male buddies and developed friendships with students in the schools I run my school programs.

It is my observations that many women demand equality, yet aren’t willing to relinquish their privilege and compete as equals. And what might that be? The privilege of being aimless and unsure, the privilege of not having to worry as much about survival and the privilege of not having to go all out because being a woman who does something gives you an automatic wow. Unlike men. A woman can choose to be a stay-at-home mother and still be featured on a woman’s magazine if she runs a home crafts business that never makes it past the flea market economy.

The standards are not so for a man. Can a man decide to stay at home to be a dad? To drive a ratty car because he hasn’t the proper means? In the Asian context, it’s your virility in question. My only disclaimer is that he can do so should he live in a backwater town where pressures and peers do not exist.

We can argue that women only started enjoying better rights in the 1920s and 1930s, and perhaps haven’t come full circle. But 100 years should have given us enough time to get used to the idea. We can argue that men have tried putting us down and barred us from reaching high places, and perhaps to a certain extent yes. But the truth is many women themselves are not interested in furthering themselves in the career arena While women are more empowered today than ever before, leadership and higher places are still scant of women. Is it the system in place? Or because women just don’t want it?

I won’t placard up on how hard it is to be a woman. Because the truth is, many breaks abound to being the estrogened sex. As sexist as this sounds, a woman in a tight skirt and high heels lands a business meeting far easier than the regular male who hustles in slacks and brogues. The physical attributes open up the door before skills take over and the field levels out. But still, let’s not underestimate the importance of opening the door.

Is it too much when I say that the male client will be a little more fascinated and forgiving with the female compared to a male? I’m guilty for I have played it up a few times, having put on a tighter dress when I’m seeing a male client because I know it helps.  Is this not privilege? A man hasn’t that power. He walks into a room and heads to the male client who has seen 50 guys before him. The talk is brisk, brusque and cool. Women who deny using that power aren’t being truthful. It’s something all women know early on, how a man is rendered weak at the presence of an attractive woman and why women are accused of being catty when really, its just her survival mode kicking in.

This may enrage the brand of feminists who proclaim rape culture and sexual harassment as the unavoidable travesties in every woman’s life. Certainly, no on is doubting the realities of rape and harassment, but companies and countries are improving their laws to protect women as we speak. The laws for rape are explicit. Rapists will be punished In my country, financial aid is provided for single mothers, but not for the single father even though both are parents. Why? And are we forgetting that men also get raped and harassed? In fact, women get away more easily with harassing a male. The female perpetrator is praised for owning her sexuality with an almost “serves you right for having you men do it to us” smirk shoved to the man. I venture to say it’s doubly hard for a man to open up about sexual harassment by a woman. More so by a man.

How many women have experienced a nicer waiter, a groveling fanboy, the ease to sit back while a male friends picks up the tab or performs any activity remotely physical. A recent Tik Tok challenge of girls removing their towel and walking naked to their boyfriend was a clear indication of the power and privilege a woman wielded over a man. Almost all the men involved broke into stupid grins before lunging at their girls with gusto. Now turn it around. What happens when a man walks naked into a room to his girlfriend? Don’t we know the answer to that!

What I Like About Men

The Pablo Escobar aside, there are many qualities to like in a man. The fact that they enjoy a wider breadth of conversation is one. Women bond over relationship, movies and colleague chatter. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with that but the woman who has less interest in the above will find less female friends to speak with. Men enjoy speaking about current issues, edgier topics and many are compassionate about survival stress and the fear of being a failure.

When I used to run a side hustle getting my clients on TV, I would scout out male executives to be my agents. The females would more often than not intimidate easily, procrastinate and be disinterested. Again nothing wrong. for the nurturing female has her own yin and yang scales. The males had more propensity to be slick, and while it can be said to be a bad thing, it is equally a form of courage and proactiveness in getting things done.

Is it not surprising therefore that when a female is particularly successful in her field, she becomes more obvious compared to a man? Simply because she comes from a smaller pool of candidates. Again, privilege for the female who knows how to wield it.

The fact that a woman is less competitive shows that she has less pressure to succeed and someone having her back. Privilege? The one area where she is supremely competitive is seeking a commitment because every woman (who wants a family) has a biological clock. Men do not. That is why her Instagram is more sexualized and she pouts when a hotter competitor comes along. Much as we would like to pipe out in disagreement, can we blame her? Her environment is made up of Pablo Escobar and Bobby Axelrod wannabes.

My observations are not borne from any surveys, merely my experiences with people from my life. I come from Malaysia and my context is therefore my country. My male friends are Chinese, Malays and Indians and I have found the observations true for all.

There is female privilege if one knows how to wield it.

My experiences with the West are limited. I enjoy a correspondence with my NYC writing instructor Paul in where we write each other long emails once every month or two. It’s something I enjoy tremendously and our topics are always our work, my theories about why people behave the way they do, and the political situations in our countries. Then I send him colourful photos of myself in various OOTDs which Paul finds entertaining. Paul seems to fits the observation I make. I very much doubt Paul would be writing me back regularly should I be dissecting a love interest or gossiping in my missives.

During the Covid-19 lockdown, many of us were trapped at home, glued to our phones and sharing news and updates. Specifically, I had 10 people whom I would share news with everyday. In between, there would be comments and some banter. I didn’t realise until writing this article that they were all men. I added an 11th, a girlfriend and did the same thing with her. She was a lovely friend, but clearly less interested in the topics. It’s not sexist to say that the majority of women prefer domestic and smaller talk. As someone who used to be feminist, I admit that reading articles to corroborate my previous statement was disheartening. But perhaps I must embrace that men and women have their differences, and it is this difference that has caused the inequality women dislike. I will acknowledge that what I have with my girlfriend, I cannot replicate easily in a male friendship. Her kindness and warmth are qualities I find wonderful and completing to my life.

What I Like Less About Men

I am fully aware that it’s hard to be men. I am aware of the statistics that more men than women commit suicide, go through depression and have higher rates of heart disease. I am compassionate to the hardship and mental dissonance most men go through in this thing called life.

Yet there are also undeniable areas where a woman finds unpleasant and it is these I would like to talk about. I acknowledge that women’s right and equalities have achieved plenty in the last 100 years, and perhaps we can call my issues teething problems. Things we can improve.

How common it is for a man to know less than a woman yet talk to her with the authority of knowing it all. To correct her. The innate need to “mansplain.” To talk down to her and interject unnecessarily. Not being able to concede that he was wrong or inaccurate. The need to prove and fight to prove a point because his ego demands it. DH Lawrence summed it up perfectly in his book “Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” – How inordinately strong the craving for self-assertion and success is in men, it is enormously over-developed.”

In my part of the world, huge swathes of conservative men exist. For cultural reasons and little else, they prefer their women to stay at home. For others, it shows off his superior providing skills, even when it keeps his woman small, hidden and ignorant from the world. Some even talk about a woman working as a temporary situation until he makes it, almost as if work is punishment. This formula which has no happy outcome for women is still pursued in many parts of Asia, a complete detriment to the advancement for both sexes.

I was mansplained a month ago when I had a phone conservation with a friend. While discussing a social issue in the country and he dominated the conversation, talking down to me and adopting a tone that pointed to a need for intense phallic coddling. Needless to say, he sent me rattling like a deranged rattlesnake. “Why are you mansplaining me?” I asked, truly horrified. His bruised voice indicated shock and confusion. When I had thrown the phone on the sofa later, I realized that this friend probably didn’t know better. He had a submissive wife. The kind of woman who kept silent in conversations, could only talk about domestic affairs, and centered her life around her husband. I have no doubt she treated her husband like Zeus. And therefore Zeus mansplained me. He was probably used to always being right with his woman. Submissive women unknowingly encourage the menace and ego in their men.

Does the way man behave largely dependent to how other men and women in his life behave? Where men assume automatic leadership and women sit contented in the passenger’s seat. Nature gave him ego, nurture encouraged it further. Are so few willing to change the status quo? Are there no taking turns driving?

Many years ago I was on the phone with a difficult male business client. I was a writer with the newspaper at that time and he was unhappy with the way his article came out. He was nasty on the phone, refusing to take responsibility for his own mistakes in the interview. His secretary wife called me. In my frustration I told her how unreasonable her husband had been. She whined back immediately, “He’s not only unreasonable to you, he’s also so unreasonable to me. He scolded me too.” My blood rose and I yelped “He’s your damn husband and you’re telling me that? You’re playing victim?” Not a stellar moment, but something I stand by till today. A partnership is meant for two people to become better. Man or woman, if you cannot handle your partner, it means you don’t have the courage to speak up. And because you are the person who will always be there, the aggressor becomes worse and worse. Please take responsibility!

While mansplaining triggers anger and comradeship among women in the West ( maybe a little too much), it is a relatively new concept in Southeast Asia where English is not the first language. You are always most influenced by the language you live in, and therefore, American terminology takes longer to enter mainstream Southeast Asia. Many of my urban friends weren’t clear about the term “mansplaining” and women were unable to come up with instances of being mansplained. But that’s perfectly understandable. Asia practices a far more patriarchal society than the West and men are practically lords in the Malay culture - they are allowed to marry up to 4 women. Many instances of sexism are seen as an acceptable part of life here.

I’ve noticed it many times among my friends. My male friend who is far less accomplished than my female friend dominating the conversation and teaching a group of girls about the day’s chit chat.

The giving and warm nature of a female is also easily taken advantage off by men. She becomes a prime target for mansplaining.

It is things like this that make me understand why some women in power become hard and emotionless, because the nice and warm nature of a woman is often taken advantage off. Take me for example. People come to me all the time to vent and to feel good because I’m an excellent listener.  I have the ability to concede even if I don’t agree. I point out un-obstrusively when someone is wrong, so as not to cause embarrassment. Sometimes I apologize, putting the blame on myself for perhaps being unclear. These are things which men lack, but like tremendously when they find in someone.

Yet niceness of this sort gives them leeway and audacity, “Ah she’s so sweet.” Niceness means they can “act like a man,” cut you off to speak in their know-it-all tone when they have superficial knowledge and bore you with their droning monologues. They walk away thinking they have impressed you when really, they lost a potential ally.

Perhaps this is why so many men unknowingly commit crimes of the unevolved - talking over her, dominating the conversation and listening without listening and eventually, ganging up with other men to put down a woman who may think differently from them.

I want to say that it’s time men learn to adjust, but if women don’t have the numbers, how will they?

When Too Few Women Take Up Leadership

I much prefer Bobby Axelrod to Pablo Escobar. In Season 4, Axe starts a relationship with self-made billionaire Rebecca Cantu. And although it ends badly, he tells her of the betrayal he felt when she struck a deal with his rival. Can we imagine Escobar doing the same? Nope, his ego wouldn’t survive it.

Women are rapidly taking up workspace and discovering the joys of career success and owning their expertise. From what I gather, most men are fine with the working woman. Many encourage it, show pride at their woman for making her mark and look at her with a little more lust from across the room.

It’s all very well when a woman works unobtrusively and competently. The quandary exists when women decide to take up leadership and become a little bit more. She begins to shine and receive praise from others.  That’s when it needles the insecure man. That’s where the instances of mansplaining increases and an entrenchment of toxic masculinity take place.

Most women (especially in the Asian region) have been told to let a man appear smarter. The absurd advice dished out in sagely tones is that a truly smart woman would have the coyness and elegance to dumb down just so her man shines, even when her halo is a little brighter. We can safely concede that this very real advice was created by man, An egoistical one no doubt. Yet it has settled into the mores of Asian domestic life where women share this advice with other women and men’s egos are pandered and laughingly dismissed. “He’s a man, he’s like that.”

While women who work are aplenty, women with leadership are still far and few. A competent woman – perhaps because of her culture or social conditioning or the nature of her brain wiring, is generally less competitive. Many are content to be competent without taking up leadership. In many more conservative cultures from where I come from, women are contented to play housewife and live through their husband. Their identities are forged from being a the wife of a man and the mother of their children. In essence, the woman has no identity beyond that. Her identity is dependent on those around her.

People will be quick to say “As long as she’s happy, so what?” So what? This lazy way of thinking has seeped into society and become mass thought. Because if most people were honest, not only do they not know what they want, they aren’t as happy as they make themselves out to be. Sslf denial has become the modern day human default. Not everyone enjoys a privileged upbringing where they can shoot for the stars or just simply have true liberty. Most people’s lives have been sort of pre- determined from the day they were born, through culture, religion, decade and oftentimes, a difficult family.

The Malay culture for instance is unforgiving to the 25-year-old female who is unmarried. She faces interminable cultural pressure. Not being able to cook is fiercely scorned. With the country taking on a religious bent, girls don’t have a choice in wearing the headscarf. Walk around with “free hair” and risk gossip, vitriol and ugly chatter. Do you think she really knows herself when for most of her life, has been forbidden to do most things? To live a limited experience?

So when women choose to depend on the testosterone and forever play coy with our feminine wiles, can we blame men when we get talked down? At the same time, some women have very few choices and a mammoth cultural system against them. These are issues to think about that become easier to solve with every passing decade as cultural entrenchment loosens. When women show less enthusiasm for self ownership, she will always be seen as a supporter versus her own person.

We Change by Changing Ourselves

If you belong to a culture where a man is the arbitrary head of the house (even when it’s not obvious) and has the last say, we can expect a generation of mansplainers flooding society We have all helped groom this insufferable creed. If a woman prioritizes his importance over hers, believing that he is more than her, isn’t she complicit as well? The male ego and female compliance hand in hand.

Biology is likely why the majority of women are less interested in leadership and more attuned as nurturing caregivers. Whatever a woman chooses to be; she has to think of herself as a complete human being with similar importance and priority to a man. Easy words, yet I see women seconding themselves to a man all the time. Allowing a man to make her life decisions, letting his life circumstances take precedence, being lazy and just going with it because it’s convenient.

She needs to have an independence in her choices that aren’t influenced by a man supporting her, even if he is able to do so. Because reliance will never see a person truly discover their potential. The joy of achievement (regardless) is a joy each woman deserves to have. That joy comes with hard work. Is the woman who brags about her privileged status of having a man support her financially truly lucky? It’s hard to say. Lucky in the sense of not having financial worries, yes. But happiness comes from various areas, and never knowing the joy of honing something of your own is a universal human joy no one should miss out on. It is one of the most gratifying rewards in character-building. Why else are we born with gifts?

In the book “The Courage to Be Disliked,” author Fumitake Koga talks about child rearing (should you decide) and household chores as life duties. It is a part of life much like having hobbies and contributing to society. It’s not a female or male thing, merely a human thing. Relegating these duties to one gender may have proven ideal in days past but I see more detriment than good today. It remains one of those things that sound right on theory but haven’t seen reciprocity in practice. Many homemakers frustrate themselves by repeating how much work running a household is and how they deserve more credit. The men nod in agreement. But saying one thing and feeling the opposite seems to be what it is. Hardly is the homemaker the leader of the household even if she claims to be the one coordinating the check book. And hardly does she hold her own confidently in a social setting consisting of white-collared executives, even if no silent judgement is made. The poor woman cannot win. Sometimes it seems like the husband patronizes her by calling her the boss of the house just so she remains there.

While women are naturally more selfless, this doesn’t mean she watches from the shadows while her partner rises. She is as much a complete human being as he is.

Feminism is about a woman choosing whatever she wants to be, and if she truly wants to be a homemaker, good for her. Except I question, is it really what she wants most of the time? Is it wrong if I say she could be more? If child rearing were truly both parents responsibilities and each prioritized each other’s growth and feelings, would that decision remain the same? While many spout the nobility of running a household, the actions that come from such arrangements hardly reflect the respect one ought to bestow.

You will never have full autonomy when you are dependent on someone and unsure of who you are. While women are naturally selfless, this doesn’t mean she stands by and watches somebody else rise while she remains in the shadows. Be selfless in things that matter - helping others in pain, uplifting society. But not when it comes to your growth. In that area, there is no need to be an unnecessary martyr.

True happiness and fulfillment come from yourself, never come from living through someone’s life or achievements. We were born to be complete in ourselves, to give to the world with our unique gifts and talents. Go right ahead and be a supporter; but make sure you get to play the lead too.

Women. We are no longer in oppressive times, and while some of us have more freedom than others, we can always take tiny steps in our daily life. Cultivate interest that go beyond looks and relationships. Learn voraciously and develop paradigm shifts in yourself so you are not defined by a relationship with a man. Get good at the small things before going to bigger ones. Challenge yourself to not only having your own thing but being great at it.

As for men? I only ask that you become more vulnerable. Make it easy for your male peers by not being a jerk and be kind to anyone who doesn’t fit the traditional role of a successful man. Want the best for your woman that isn’t anywhere too near your ego and resist the urge to mansplain every good natured female . Every man has his own destiny, and certainly, it’s not always Pablo Escobar.

I believe when that happens, entire societies will recalibrate and attitudes will eventually change. Mansplaining will be one of them.