When You Begin To Hate The Thing You Love.

Life oh life!

It was a Saturday morning and I was standing in the middle of a school hall, surrounded by 70 11-year-olds. My school program was running and it wasn’t going well. The kids were out of control and the noise was reaching a dangerous level. I watched as my trainer and assistants coaxed the kids to behave. I found myself doing the same thing, going to kids and beseeching them for order. As I bent over to yet another group of raucous kids, an avalanche of negative feelings washed over me. I felt a vein swell in my forehead.  “What was I doing with my life? This was not what I wanted.”

Just 1 year and 3 months ago, I was leading the quintessential Kuala Lumpur life. Exciting work projects, dance and Mandarin classes, vacays twice a year. Conversations were on work, dreams, friends and ideas to collaborate. if anyone were to tell me that I would be knee-deep with kids and wracking my brains on lesson plans, I would have scoffed. “No way.” If anyone were to tell me I would be speaking regularly to 14-year-olds, I wouldn’t have laughed. I was the most undomesticated girl I knew. Kids were cute in a way, but I wasn’t the type to coo or go nuts over a child.

Yet here I was on a Saturday morning trying so hard to impress these kids and feeling so frustrated at the lesson that wasn’t working. My current life was all about KIDS! They were my “clients” and I was groveling to please them. That was all I was fixated on in past months -  going out of my way to source for interesting topics for the kids. My trainers were tired of trying to figure me out. “This is not a good lesson plan,” was my oft repeated reply to them. “It’s too cliché, the kids won’t enjoy it.”

Wasn’t I a bundle of fun. I was a voracious reader and wanted lessons that were inspiring and away from the dull brackets of a school syllabus. This was not easy to achieve. The discussions that I had been having on repeat were on lesson plans, lesson plans and lesson plans. Nothing else interested me. In the past three months, I had met more people under 16 then I had in my entire life. Instead of short skirts and tank tops, I was always in my work T-shirt and jeans, so much so that I found myself getting sick to the stomach just having to wear another T-shirt. I found myself compensating by getting into sexy clothes over the weekend just because I wanted to rebel against that school image that was becoming me. The beginnings of an identity crisis were emerging.

And then, the challenges of people and sub-par behavior. Mediocre lessons, non-comital helpers, breaking promises! Ah! Typical business challenges you could say, but a little too much for my sensitive soul. Once, a dancer who had agreed to teach a dance class as (part of my program) sent me a voice note telling me with the swagger of a laidback hip hopper and a feigned apologetic tone on how he couldn’t make it. I listened to his chilled-out-drawled-out “So…… uh……yeah, I’m sorry,” before deleting the message. Class was Friday and the note came in on Thursday evening. Nevermind that we had told the students to come in their gym clothes and that the lesson plan included dance. Nah, I guess he just didn’t think of the problem he was giving me. I didn’t even panic anymore. I was numb to the disappointment of dealing with people. People who were so soft to commitment and their word.

In hindsight, I picked a lot of wrong people in my hurry to scramble something together. People were my biggest problem.  I had spent past months solving the problems of other people. Problems which I felt should not be mine. It seemed that I had to majorly handhold all these adults in executing their work. The repeated excuses of “I’m new to this, I’m not an expert,” were the clarion call of what I would call mediocrity. And these are truly decent people who are lovely to hang out with. What I learned is that the majority of people are just not stellar. It’s true. Look, doing something for the first time isn’t easy. Mistakes and imperfections are part of it. But with google, people to speak with and an average level of intelligence, it’s definitely doable. But most cloak their lack of preparation and a lackadaisical work ethic with excuses! Hah!

Passion or Purpose?

Behind my running around and smile was a gradual feeling of being burnt out

What happens when you do something that you believe in with all your heart, but it isn’t your immediate passion? What happens when the thing you’re doing which isn’t your immediate passion is so noble that all around you, people encourage and coax you to continue doing it.

Suddenly your own passion seems to lack in importance. Going back to it seems selfish.

But you can’t.

I had been running on full steam for over a year for SchoolHeroes ( my school program), without fueling my soul. Does it sound terrible to say that SchoolHeroes, the big thing I want to contribute to my country isn’t my immediate passion?

Everyone kept telling me it was my passion because I was doing it so passionately that I suppose I forgot it wasn’t my passion. Did I feel much fulfilment from doing it? 1000%! Did it spark joy going to school weekly in a white T-shirt and being a trainer? I'm not sure I can say yes.  Call it a purpose or calling, but right from the start, I’ve always felt that SchoolHeroes was something I had to do, a responsibility toward my country.

SchoolHeroes is something I do for others.

It all Started as a Beautiful Idea

Me teaching a class. I was passionate about teaching life lessons and it was in the classroom, I discovered more about my country.

Some background. A year ago, I started a school program called SchoolHeroes because of my fervent belief in doing something for my country Malaysia. I was passionate in executing it and my passion brought on a lot of helpful people. Many people supported me and I watched as my program grew from strength to strength. I made a lot of progress in the first year. Toward the end of the first year, I started introducing cooler English classes which became the undoing of my peace-of-mind. The idea was great and schools and sponsors rallied around it, but it was oh-so-hard to execute on the level I wanted.

In my country, English is a killer subject in public schools ( not urban), a boring lesson disliked by the majority of Malay students. You need an outstanding trainer to get these kids’ attention. You need to re-haul your ideas of a typical lesson plan to get them engaged.  You need to talk about boy-girl relationships and get them moving all the time, or dead eyes will be on you. You need to be refreshing yet understand the Malay mentality. I had well-meaning friends with international careers who wanted to inspire the students with their success, not realizing that it would mean nothing to the average Malay kid who was a million miles away from this.

So here I was now, dragging my feet to a class, watching the hours tick, utterly disliking it and dreading it. I began thinking of my upcoming classes as work, a chore; not something I was excited about. I was counting the weeks before my program would end so I could stop thinking of lessons and dealing with people which fucking annoyed me. I had experienced too much heightened blood pressure in the past months. I was on the edge, angry, frustrated and exhausted. SchoolHeroes was a program I created from so much passion, love and meaning. And now I was hating it. I didn’t know it at that time, but I was burnt out.

In the fervor of getting my program started, I neglected to think of the magnitude required to push something like this off the ground.

When I left my day job a little over a year ago, the grand plan was to run SchoolHeroes relaxingly while being a writer drinking coffee and making movies. I had been dabbling in the local film scene for the last 3 years and wanted to get more serious. SchoolHeroes was my purpose and writing was my passion. I wanted to do both! How idealistic of me! How very naïve of me! Noble as it was, SchoolHeroes was started from scratch and required a gargantuan amount of effort, time and plenty of mental space. I found myself having no time to be a writer. When I did have time, I was mostly too stressed or anxious at someone or something. How many friends have I now rebuffed because I was disappointed with them over a lack of commitment or quality in work?

And while people praised me for starting a movement, I wasn’t allowed to be angry and stressed during conversations. Some friends started making comments that I was taking things too seriously. One called me a racist when I complained about the state in schools. How callous of people to throw remarks when most of them do nothing except easy things like TALK. Anyone who starts a movement is going to be passionate and strongheaded. They wouldn’t start a movement otherwise. Find me a mild-mannered founder of something and I’ll fly you to Mars. People only want me to be passionate in the nice, politically-correct FB-worthy areas but not anywhere else. People don’t like difficult conversations and want to go to what’s nice and easy all the time. I cut some ties during this period. Irrational? Perhaps, but who cares. I have to think of me too.

 And then dealing with income that wasn’t coming in. Oh that was something else.

The Impoverished Life

Many people didn't know I was leading an impoverished life. Here I was choosing a cheap (albeit delicious) place for lunch with a friend.

I never anticipated that my new grand life would be an impoverished one. I was very fortunate to get a lump sum (compensation) from my previous company when I left to start my entrepreneurial foray. It was an amount that could sustain me for 1.5 years based on my calculation then. Fast forward today, it can actually stretch me a lot more because my lifestyle has changed so much. I now have the skillset to live like a person in poverty.  While I do have substantial savings, my behavior towards money is pretty rigid. I can only spend if I’m making money. If I’m not making new money, I just cannot spend. And since I was hardly making any money, my life became Spartan and bleak. I became constantly worried about my money dwindling to nothingness and had nightmares about moving in with my mom.

Making very little money was life-changing. Not in a positive way. I’ve read articles where people bash people who complain about living a sudden poor life due to a change of circumstances. These bashers think that as long as you’re not homeless and not destitute, you have no right to complain or feel bad. I think that’s unfair. Life is different for all of us.

Does the person who feel hurt by a broken friendship have no right to feel hurt just because she never went through a breakup? Is it okay to belittle her pain just because she hasn’t gone through a bigger pain yet? One person’s feelings is not the other person’s feelings and our life circumstances are our starting points. The analogy of not allowing a person to feel bad about their lower income status just because they aren’t homeless is unfair.

Of course I am grateful for my life and the privileges I have. But the fact remains, my life is very different from what it used to be. I used to think nothing of buying clothes, eating in any hipster café I wanted, buying my friend lunch or being the one to pay first in a group outing. I couldn’t do all this anymore. Now I was the one saying “Can we go to an inexpensive restaurant?” I had become that person who didn’t order a drink just so I could save money.

I remember going to a convenience store and looking at the price of a pack of 3-in-1 tea and a packet of biscuits, and deciding to buy only the tea because I wanted to save money. I had gone to a 99 Speedmart late at night and every shopper there was a foreign labour worker. I stood behind them at the cashier, seeing the things they bought - stray items like me, nothing in bulk.  As I walked to my car, a spreading depression came over me. I hated being poor. I know everyone hates it, but I’m everyone too and I hate it.

There and then, in my car, I think my strong depressed feelings sent a huge message to the Universe. “Enough of being poor, it’s time to be rich,” I said to myself as I reversed my car and blasted music.  It was that night that I felt genuine empathy for people who were unable to get out of the cycle of poverty. It’s a black feeling. It was this period that gave me a huge life lesson about difficulties and struggles.

A Change of Heart

Pandan Jaya, you have no idea what you did for me that innocent day. Thank you.

By the tail end of my program, my synapses and telomeres were worn thin. I was like a zombie, just trying to get through and willing the weeks to quickly come. I had fantasized more than a few times about not continuing after the program ended. Well the Universe had other ideas. I felt very rejected in one Rawang school. I was unable to connect with the kids and getting the lessons organized with trainers had given me a brain tumour. At the end of it though, the results were pretty good. But the protagonist behind it – ME, was draining. I had put so much effort in this school and I felt very unappreciated and spent. The trainers were happy and enjoying selfies with kids, but not without me orchestrating many things for it to come to that.

I remember going to the next school in Pandan Jaya with no enthusiasm. This was the absolute most difficult school. Discipline was an issue and the kids were restless.  It’s unfair how the experience of one school can affect the next, but it did. I’ve since learned that I cannot do that.

I would be assisting my trainer as an assistant and I walked into class hoping the session wouldn’t be too painful. My trainer launched in lesson and I prepared for long hours ahead. The kids were unclear about what my trainer meant and ever the perceptive Pisces. I sighed, took the mic and casually explained the exercise, making a story from a few sentences on the whiteboard. To my utter shock, the students broke into huge applause when I was done. It was the most instantaneous and unexpected thing but that utterly random moment jolted me. It shifted my mind and ...........changed my negative feelings? I felt appreciated. I was floored. Touched? Did I have something to offer after all?

Throughout class, students came to me to asked for help. I think I was sort of thought of as an English authority suddenly. Were they connecting to me?  I realized that I had been very aloof in classes. In previous classes, I often pushed the assistants to go forward in handling students while I hung back because it wasn’t my thing. I decided to change there and then. And what a difference it made. I had fun that day with the kids. The school which was the most problematic was giving me a paradigm shift about my existential crisis. I went back that day, rethinking my life again.

In my negativity, I had forgotten that many students enjoyed the program and looked forward to our sessions. Mostly, I had forgotten how I had very supportive people who believed in me and helped me even when it was inconvenient. Isn’t that the pinnacle of selflessness? Helping when it’s inconvenient? Yes, to me.

MMA Champion and actor Theebaan Govindasamy at my SchoolHeroes program speaking with students.

Part of my program includes getting athletes to come to school and speaking to the kids. I was very lucky to know 2 outstanding athletes – hip hop champion Kim Superbism and MMA Champion Theebaan Govindasamy. I was extremely touched that these two very accomplished and busy people took the time out to follow me to schools and speak to students. Kim in particular was from out of state. One time after a session, someone asked Theebaan why he did SchoolHeroes. He was a busy person with acting deals and I paid him next to nothing. He replied that he liked what I was doing. Hearing it was a realization of sorts for me. It validated me in a time of great questioning and un-sureness. Again, the great re-thinking of life.

SJKT Vageesar was one of my best life experiences.

The Universe was on a mission to encourage me. When my program ended in a rural Tamil school called SJKT Vageesar, I was taken aback by the reactions of the students to me. This event remains one of my most visceral memories of my life. I was made to feel so special, significant and loved by the students. The students were so guileless and honest in their emotions and our chemistry was amazing. I knew I was doing something right.

Most of all, I had very loyal friends and unsung heroes who came with me to help when the going got tough and inconvenient. Nothing could have moved without them. Kar Inn (assistant) and Reshmeet (trainer) helped me when it wasn’t fun to help. These are people you want on a team, not people just looking for fun and a pastime to fill the nothingness in their life. Starting a movement requires committed people and I’m forever indebted to them.

These incidents woke me up. I realized that SchoolHeroes was something I was very proud off and hard as it was, I want to continue doing it. I began to feel more positively.

What Next?

Although far from perfect, I am the most proud of what I did in SMK Darul Ehsan. Kim Superbism (centre) with top row, Emil, Yee Cheng, Aween, Jaganathan, (bottom) Najmi and Sooria

It’s strange how fast the Universe responds to you when you feel strongly enough. A few days after my conviction to be no longer poor, I got a text from a friend. A movie opportunity had suddenly come up and it was money-making in the short term. And then, a meeting I had been brokering for a long time happened. I would be making some money that would allow me to do  SchoolHeroes in a less stressed state and give me the time to take a break.

I went back to my hometown Taiping for a week and did a lot of contemplating. That's when I came to a realization. I’ve developed all sorts of love for kids and feel passionately toward SchoolHeroes, BUT. It’s something I can only do when my soul is fulfilled. Something I can only do when I have some success in other areas of my passions first. I need to do the things I love and truly identify with or I have nothing to give. SchoolHeroes is all about other people. I do it for the hopeful betterment of others. Now. I need to do something for myself.

I identify most as a writer. A storyteller. I am most in my element when I wear that “writer” badge. I know in the personal development world, we’re not supposed to identify with anything, but I’m not there yet. I am most optimum as a writer at the moment. I was doing too many things which were not my immediate badge repeatedly and ignoring the badge I identified with most.

Yes. Going out to do things are one of the best life experiences for yourself. You learn things about yourself fast and discover what your strengths are. You can’t discover if you never do anything. Because of SchoolHeroes, I’ve learned SO much about people and myself. Besides understanding my country better, I've also discovered that I’m actually not bad at teaching, and that………... kids can be cool :D

When five of my school programs ended recently, I breathed a giant sigh of relief and gave myself another break. I had been working for 1 year and 3 months and it was exactly what I needed. I could feel the torn synapses and telomeres inside my body repairing and rejuvenating. My vibe became less anxious and more relaxed.  I began to do things that I wanted to do but couldn’t because I was busy running my program. I started reading again. I finished writing a screenplay in 2 weeks ( it was a second draft to be fair). Took many unnecessary OOTD pictures for my Instagram. Started entertaining the thought of taking my NYC vacay. I began to seriously think of the life I wanted.

And so I made up my mind!

I finished writing my screenplay. 94 scenes. Bisky my Jack Russell wasn't too enthralled though :D

I made the decision to stop doing SchoolHeroes for awhile. Yes, I’m saying no to a somewhat consistent income now (measly by the way), but I realized that I needed to take care of other things first. And that was being a writer. I need to be a writer. I need to prioritize that and stop thinking of it as indulgent. Because that is the one big goal in my life. To be a very good writer. Whether it’s writing a book or a screenplay for a movie. I’m fortunate that I have the connections and platform to make these happen. Not easy and straightforward, but my past efforts have aligned this path and doors are more opened now.

I will come back to SchoolHeroes, because it’s something I created and derive great fulfilment from. I have 11-year-olds texting me now and 16-year-olds following me on Instagram. I adore them and my world is bigger and richer because of them. I’m never leaving them.

But above all, being a writer is what I was inherently made for. Have you guys heard of the concept “flow?” I’m sure you have. It’s when time stops and your best work emerges? It’s a different part of your brain activating. Athletes and intense doers have reported experiencing this. I’ve only experienced flow one time in my life. And it was when I was writing.

We’re always putting off our passions because we’re concerned about making a living. But tomorrow may be my last day on earth. I don’t want to leave this earth without having contributed something significant as a writer.

What did I say earlier? That my grand plan was to do SchoolHeroes relaxingly while being a writer drinking coffee and making movies. I'm going do that right now. Happiness is work, guts and making clear intentions. Made some mistakes and fell, but I’m designing the ultimate life for myself now.

I’m going to go be a writer. And SchoolHeroes is going to be better than before.

I'm so fortunate to have found my passion and purpose. I hope you find yours and go ahead and design the life you want. As cliche as this sounds, it really is the way to make the world a better place :)

Better and wiser and coming back to me. Passion and purpose. I'm going to do both :)

Check out SchoolHeroesKL on Facebook.

This article was written in 2019.