My Relationship with My Fellow Chinese

Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis. I was watching "The Arrival" when Amy Adams uttered the hypothesis in an attempt to explain the strange dreams she was encountering when communicating with the aliens who’d landed. The hypothesis, developed by Edward Sapir and Benjamin Lee Whorf states that the structure of a language greatly influences the modes of thought and behavior characteristic of the culture in which it is spoken. In other words, language determines your thoughts.

I remembered the time when I was intensely learning Mandarin in my quest to communicate with my China masseuse. His name was Austin but it was pronounced Ai Se Tin in the Mandarin way. As I started recognizing characters and structuring sentences in the more third person and philosophical way, I found my mind changing slightly. The language had a more filial character compared to English. The fact that I added  “if I may say” is already characteristic of my Chinese culture. When I say filial, I refer to the community and people. There was a higher sense of responsibility and a feeling of putting someone ahead when I spoke that language.

During that time, many Chinese-speaking friends began opening up to me. It seemed like I won a lot of brownie points just for learning Mandarin. It was also during that time that I began to understand the mindset of a Chinese-speaking-Chinese. I have to admit, I had my prejudices towards them, just like they had prejudices towards us, the English-speaking Chinese. There was a big gap between us despite our similar cultures. The gap being: Language.

The Chinese in Malaysia are Divided

Me and Sunny come from different worlds. I was taken aback by the loyalty and care she demonstrated to me.

My family is 4th generation Chinese but we speak English predominantly. I am familiar with American pop culture and British literature but not at all with Chinese. It may sound out of place, but this is common for Malaysia, a former colony of Britain. I read Oliver Twist and Great Expectations as a child but only learned of Chinese poems and proverbs as an adult.  My Chinese-speaking friends are fans of Taiwan, Korea and Japan pop culture and follow fashion and food trends. I have an Asian mindset, but it’s very much tinged with Western culture and lifestyle, as of most of my English-speaking friends; most of us who had parents who went to La Salle schools after the British colonization.

Here in Malaysia, we live among 3 major races, which means, we live among 3 major languages. On the surface, it seems like we mix among our own race. But the truth is, we mix with people who speak our language. This is evident for those of us who do not speak our native language well. I say this because as a child growing up, I spoke English and very little Mandarin. It’s not something I’m proud off but that was the way it was.  In school, my friends were always those who spoke English; whether a Chinese, Malay or Indian. Language was the connecting point.

How Peculiar. That I Have More Close Chinese-Speaking-Friends Today

Jessie and me are best buddies. We have different world views but have reconciled the differences.

In the last 3 years, I’ve noticed an interesting trend with myself – that all my close friends have been Chinese-speaking-Chinese. It’s something I wonder at. When I say close, I mean really close. Not just casual friends over lunch, but one-on-one-we-can-hang-out-for-breaky sort of friends.

While there are exceptions, the majority of English-speaking-Chinese and Chinese-speaking- Chinese have difficulty assimilating at a close level. The mindset is too different; the language itself is a barrier. Even if one speaks the language of the other, the brain wiring is the biggest hindrance. But despite our huge differences, I have somehow fostered very close bonds with them, more so than English-speaking friends.

With work, I find myself developing closer relationships with Chinese-speaking clients. I find it fascinating because Chinese-speaking-clients typically have a preference for a Chinese-speaking partner. Yet, our relationship is positive, and there is a certain element of loyalty and acknowledgement on both sides.

I’ve always been pretty open with races, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues. My English-speaking friends and I do grouse “They are so brusque in their speech,” and “Look at how they just stick among themselves.”

On their end, they tell me, “The majority of English-speaking-Chinese are so arrogant.”

Do We Think We’re Better?

Michele and me speak English as a first language. We have many similarities that stem from a similar mindset and beliefs. 

Perhaps, one of the biggest unsaid divide in my country is the divide among the people who speak different languages. It’s common to find a Chinese-speaking -Chinese perceive an English-speaking-Chinese to be arrogant, loud and dramatic. Vice versa, the English-speaking-Chinese perceives the Chinese-speaking-Chinese to be clique-ish, narrow minded and “one-kind.” The comments are the same all the time. I notice the same things among Malays and Indians. There seems to be a drawn line between those who speak English and those who speak their native language.

Arrogant (sombong) is commonly used to describe a Malaysian who speaks English if he or she enters a group that speaks a native language.

The general consensus is that the Chinese-speaking-Chinese have a tendency to be among themselves and have less interest in getting close to friends of different cultures. Their more community-based nature holds them back.

Those who speak English are perceived to think of themselves as superior to those who speak their native language? Is this true? To my English-speaking-friends, come on, let’s admit it; we have been guilty of that at some point, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’ve seen people criticize the lack of a person speaking English, but seldom do we say anything about a person’s Mandarin lack. To be fair, I see this more among the Gen X and Baby Boomers, those closer to the British times. Gen Y is easier-going about this. The perception that Asians are lesser compared to Westerners is a longstanding perception in many parts of the world. And this has seeped into the divide between the English-speaking-Chinese and Chinese-speaking-Chinese.

As Kit, my Chinese-speaking-Chinese friend said, “The feeling that you guys think you are better than us is the biggest divider.”

As I Spoke Mandarin, I Saw Their Point of View

Yee is the modern -day traditional Chinese-speaking-Chinese. He adds depth and a different perspective to my life.

As I went deeper into my Mandarin lessons, I began to experience the feelings of a Chinese-speaking-Chinese, just like how Amy Adams began thinking like an alien.  Things that were invisible to me in the past became clear to me.  I’d always seen the Chinese-speaking-Chinese as insensitive. They never thought much about sugar-coating their words and I had been on the receiving end of their biting comments over the years. When I was younger, I used to get questions from them “You don’t speak Chinese? And you’re Chinese?” They would look at each other knowingly. It irked me. Yes, I am Chinese, but if I may say respectfully, we are not in China. We are in Malaysia where we were colonized and I am a product of the education system here.

Strangely when I started speaking Mandarin, I began to see their point of view in areas I never did. I began to see how we English-speaking Chinese were perceived as insensitive to them. I admit, there were times when I saw an English-speaking-Chinese walk by and think “God, what a snob.” Yikes! What was happening? I had to pinch myself and revert to my former self. Oftentimes, we English-speaking-Chinese don’t go around thinking we’re better. Many of us are baffled at the accusations. But the fact that very few English-speaking-Chinese show an interest in learning Mandarin compared to Chinese-speaking-Chinese who make an effort to learn English is also pretty telling of the situation. I think there is a little bit of an inherent superiority that English-speaking-Chinese may be unconscious off. This is probably the biggest reason for our divide.

We have been indoctrinated from colonial days to feel that way. But as we move further away from Independence days, we are coming back closer to our roots. The Chinese have a long and glorious history of warfare achievement, academics, arts and philosophy. In the arena of business, we have long proven our mettle. Why do we suffer from an inferiority complex in the global world? The language itself is beautiful, descriptive but humble and introverted. If English were a person, it would possibly be an extrovert. In a world that is beginning to recognize introverts, should the extrovert still outshine the introvert?

We’re Different!

My godbrother Jun spent the majority of his life with Chinese-speaking-Chinese. But we have developed a closeness which is of rare quality.

There is a Chinese proverb, which translates to “Think three times before you act.” Chinese schools ingrain this in students and this makes them cautious; thinking carefully in many matters. English-speaking-Chinese are more spontaneous and vocal and that can be perceived as over-the-top and less thoughtful to the Chinese- speaking-Chinese. Trained to be humble and unassuming since young, anything outlandish in mannerism almost certainly draws disapproving looks from them.

2 years ago, I experienced a transformation after attending a Robin Sharma seminar in Canada. One activity in the seminar involved us going from person to person and telling them positive things. I was particularly taken by a Caucasian man who told me with utter passion how I would make it in life.

I enthusiastically regaled my English-speaking friends and they gushed alongside me. But when I told my Chinese-speaking friends, they were all “Wahhhh, so kwa cheong.” Which basically means exaggeratory. They didn’t see the beauty in the passion; they saw it as excessiveness. I was puzzled by their reaction.

When it comes to language, they have a pretty consistent reaction too. I remember once having lunch with my friend Rachel in her office. Rachel was a spunky entrepreneur who spoke Cantonese as a first language. She introduced her assistant to me and my Chinese-handicap became immediately apparent. Bluntly and loudly, her assistant asked Raechel in Cantonese “She can’t speak Cantonese?” How rude, I immediately thought. She went on to make conversation without including me. While she was unconfident in English, I felt that was a poor excuse. Comments about my Chinese were made.

Perhaps now when I think back of the situation, I have less of a reaction. What sounded so rude to me was probably just the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis in action. I didn’t like the way I was treated, but I have a little more understanding about it. The Cantonese language itself is brash, and there is a certain level of bluntness in it. The assistant probably had no intention of being rude to me,  merely being the way of her language.

In the language area, the English-speaking-Chinese have a little more finesse. We do not correct a person’s wrong grammar or sentence structure. But it’s almost habit for Chinese speaking Chinese to correct your wrong Mandarin. It’s in the nature of their language that one sound in Mandarin can refer to many things. I understand this so I am less irked when they make comments about my Mandarin. I do feel it would help if they put themselves in our shoes.

However when I fall sick, my Chinese-speaking-friends show concern in a way my English-speaking-friends cannot replicate. I feel cared for. I’m not saying my English-speaking brethren are not caring, but we’re more casual and “okay you take care” about it. That’s it. We don’t really follow up on each other unless its life threatening.

Aaron and me are English-speaking-Chinese who relate predominantly to Western culture yet practise fengshui and pray. We've got each other's back and encourage each other all the time.

I’m always surprised when Kit or Sunny (my Chinese speaking friends) text me days after my sickness to ask how I am. It is they who will offer to bring me herbs, tea or something mom made at home. If I’m confused in a carpark, Sunny (who is over a decade younger than me) will call to ensure I am safely out. When I unknowingly drop my fork during lunch, a new fork will materialize next to me. Sunny will get a new fork while I am busy chattering away

On the other hand, they can be blunt too. Should you put on 5 pounds or have an obvious zit on your forehead, the English-speaking-Chinese will be less likely to comment. The Chinese-speaking-Chinese will come right out and say it “Aiyoh you’re so fat.”  “Eh, you got a pimple.”

If I can put it succinctly, the Chinese-speaking-Chinese are more thoughtful and caring about well-being. The English-speaking-Chinese are more sensitive to the feelings of another in daily conversation.

The Men Are Not Attracted To Me

I am not considered feminine among the Chinese-speaking-Chinese guys. It’s hard for me to feel attractive among them because they see my outspoken ways as less attractive. It’s alright to have preferences, but it’s wrong when a culture feels “a woman should be a certain way.” Being soft-spoken and letting a man shine (obviously) are things the more conservative Chinese man wants, for that matter, for a lot of conservative Asians as well. Femininity and playing second-fiddle to a man may be wonderful for some, but I don’t see equality here. Too much emphasis is then placed on a woman’s looks and too much emphasis on a man’s wealth. The result is resentment from both sides.

On the other hand, the English-speaking-Chinese practices a little more equality in relationships. Career and a personality have greater weight and there is less of a hierarchy between man and woman. I remember my friend Will saying to me “If by the third date, she doesn’t make an effort to even pull out her wallet to offer to pay, there won’t be a fourth date.”

Approaches to relationships are also different. Chinese-speaking-Chinese take relationships more seriously. The concept of dating is less common to them, and a man thinks long and hard before taking a step with a girl, There is a lot of respect and gentlemanly behaviour.

The English-speaking Chinese have a more similar relationship style to the West, where a lot of dating, and “just going out” are commonplace.

Michele, me and Aaron are a product of the past British colony. We're Chinese but are more familiar with the West than the East. We are a slice of Malaysia.

Parents Are Everything

I am always touched when I see Jessie taking time out regularly just to be with her parents; and when Kit makes a big deal every year over her mother’s birthday.  Both are my Chinese-speaking-Chinese friends.

Respect to parents and elders are central to the Chinese culture. I have ideas about filial piety that do not sit well with my friends Jessie and Kit. If I have an argument with my mom, their advice is always “She is your mother.” That point moots out every other argument. I am expected to forgive and move on.  There is something comforting about this, but it’s also slightly non-progressive.

This approach places too much respect on older people without them striving to learn to develop. Mindsets and thoughts change. What was right 20 years ago can be wrong today. An elder can become self-righteous because of his/ her age, simply because they expect respect.  Because I am Asian, I too agree that respect should be given to elders, but this is subject to many variables. What if you have a mother who is stuck in her warped 1950s views.  Some mothers can misuse their “mother’ position. It is because of extremely high filial piety that many sons and daughters go into forced/ unfulfilling marriages merely to satisfy parents.

Yet, the respect and compulsory responsibility they demonstrate is something most of us English-speaking-Chinese can take a leaf from. It can be beautiful to watch. 

To Understand Someone, Speak Their Language

Maybe that’s why the Sapir Whorf Hypothesis fascinates me. Language does indeed influence thought. The English language is aggressive, freeing and bestows a sense of hope. When I write in Bahasa, I find myself instantly becoming more languid and poetic. My thoughts begin to meld into the more sentimental and emotional context of the language. The English language is written in the active while Bahasa and Mandarin are written in the passive; that itself speaks of the language’s character.

Maybe that’s why language is so important. The more languages you speak, the more open you become. Stay stuck in one language and that is the demise of you. Your worldview is narrow, you know only one truth, your perspective is hardened. To understand a person of a different race, simply speak his language. You become less tied up to the “superiority” of your race and see everyone else as simply a citizen of this planet.

Why do I get along so well with the Chinese-speaking-Chinese? I’m not sure. I like their thoughtfulness, that little bit of deepness. And perhaps, I have a genuine interest in speaking and learning Mandarin. I think that contributes to quite a bit :)

My wonderful Chinese-speaking-friends - Sunny, Yee and Jessie have widened my worldview. I've grown and learned plenty from them :)

Speak more languages my friends. I feel strongly that this is one way to make the world a better place.