Why I Don’t Believe Blood Is Thicker Than Water

My godbrother Jun and I.

Sometimes family are those outside your family.

Not many families produce close parental or sibling relationships. Many people have a “just because” relationship with their parents or siblings. It is the rare few that are truly close and stick together. It’s a beautiful thing to watch and one wonders, what are the factors that go into making close family relationships.

Among the Chinese, we have been brought up to have filial piety for parents and family. Respect and adherence to seniority are big among traditional Chinese. I like many aspects of these values; however, I also see how filial piety is sometimes practised to a point of blindness. Life offers us a spectrum of situations and there isn’t a standard truth for each. Truths have nuances. Life has nuances. Isn’t this why we think and reason?

Relationship without investment means very little to me. A brother who doesn’t put in any effort in a relationship cannot expect family to readily borrow him money or be there for him when he is in trouble. It’s ridiculous that just because we are family, one is free to not invest but ever ready to expect help. Yet, it’s normal to hear people tell you “He’s your brother, she’s your sister after all,” I think in family relationships, transgressions are somewhat more easily erased.

It’s very hard for me to sympathise with an absent sibling or parent who demands all the benefits of a family when his/her own family KPI leaves much to be desired. But life has shown me that there are people who are not big about family. The reasons are aplenty – just not interested, just the way it's been, a lack of chemistry, a difficult parent, a difficult childhood, preferring the company of peers, distraction of a new life and et cetera.

But this article isn’t discussing abusive or difficult families. It’s about those who just aren’t interested in family; and why in cases like this, traditional Chinese values should be relaxed rather than lectured upon. Life is never constant. This is why I think blood is not thicker than water. Not always anyway.

Because Sibling Love Can be Conditional

Have you had a friend who preferred the company of friends over family? Who planned holidays with friends while family was kept only for occasions? I think most people are like that to a certain extent. But if you’re overboard, seeing your family only when you need them, you may one day wake up and realize you’ve lost a whole family.

No one can force anyone to be anything they’re not. If a person isn’t into family, no one can force that person to show interest. Sometimes the glamorous life, the high flying career, the gangly boyfriend and the shiny friends are a giant distraction from the family.

But one day you’ll see a difference in the relationship you have with your family. Oh mom and dad will always be there for you. Parents will be unconditional in their love. It is often the siblings who find issue with the lack of filial piety. They will bring it up initially, there will be the difficult conversations and the bruised feelings. But after a certain point, when nothing changes, love can fade. Sibling love is not unconditional like parents. Sibling love can change.

In the instance of an absent family member, must blood really be thicker than water. Do I really have to be there for you when you're suddenly in need? Do I really have to see you in the hospital? Does it all sound so terrible? But I don’t think an absent sibling can walk in and out as she pleases and expect the benefits of a concerned family. Confucius was born in the 6th century where things were decidedly different. It's hardly fair to push Confucian family values to a person who may have lost love for an absent sibling.

Because Sometimes It’s Really Hard To Get Along With Family

The dogma that you have to get along with your siblings/ parent ought to be discarded. Because not everyone will! This dogma leaves a lot of people who cannot get along with their siblings/ parent feeling failed/ imperfect. Two siblings who get along beautifully doesn’t mean they have better relationship skills than two siblings who cannot. A close family cannot judge a family who may lack in closeness. There are a ton of factors that determine compatibility and closeness. Tons.

What if talking to your sibling means immense stress? What if being around a family member means having to be put down? What if you’ve tried but it’s just really hard to get along? What if you just really don’t like your sibling or parent? You can imagine, this is all blasphemy in the traditional Chinese community, especially the part about not speaking to a parent. It’s the ultimate sin.

My friend Mei comes from a typical Chinese upbringing. She thinks deeply about life but her values are decidedly more black and white. When I buy a present for my mom, I see it as a nice thing. Mei sees it as “Lin Dee has to.” My quality of being thoughtful is devoid in her mind. What I did is a must as a daughter. Mei is an avid proponent of blood being thicker than water.

We couldn’t agree recently over our friend Norah who doesn’t speak to her sister. Norah and her sister have had a difficult relationship marred by many time-offs and unpleasantries. I encouraged Norah to leave the relationship for awhile. If things cannot mend, distance can be a good thing. Not speaking to each other is something I am open too.

Mei on the other hand was vehement that Norah must talk to her sister. In Mei's mind, not speaking to a family member is travesty. Nevermind that Norah's sister was universally disliked, Mei’s oft-repeated logic is “She is your sister at the end of the day.”

What difference is this inflexibility from blind faith in religion? Their truth is set in stone and no amount of reason or logic can shake it.

In Mei’s mind, maintaining family ties is more important than the emotional stress of getting along with a family member. I bristle with irritation sometimes but I’ve come to accept that she’s a product of an overly-Confucian education system. She doesn’t put in too many nuances into different life situations, she takes it wholesale.

As I move along in life though, I find that certain people are just meant to have a cursory position in our lives. Sometimes unfortunately, it is family.

Because You Have To Be Kind To Yourself

Sometimes siblings who don’t get along put up appearances for parents. There is a Chinese saying that says respect for one's parents is the highest duty of civil life.

It’s an honourable thing, but I also think this notion of doing things for the sake of parents happiness must have limits. It can be really detrimental otherwise. Parents can and have used this notion unreasonably to get their way or to guilt children. Family will always be family, but we have to be kind to ourselves when the situation calls for it.

If I happen to quarrel with my sister for a few days, Mei will be the first to say “Your mom will be so sad.” My emotions are not a priority. What I’m going through is secondary. To Mei, mom’s happiness comes first. She thinks less about my side. What if not talking for awhile was best for the both of us? What if it gave me that peace of mind? And isn’t it ridiculous that just because we are siblings, we are not allowed cold spells.

Mei loves saying “When you are a mother, you will understand.” Would I? If I were a mother, I may understand a mother's feelings better, but it doesn't make Mei's propagation right either. Would I want to be a mother who’s happiness is based on my child’s unhappiness? Life has many twists and turns. Life situations are dynamic and varied. I confidently say no to Mei’s question. I have no intention of being a selfish person.

On a general note. Sometimes people need distance. Sometimes people need to grow up. What if a sibling is just plain toxic? What if it pains you to be around a sibling? In cases like this, the “blood is thicker than water” adage puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on a person. I say, it can be really harmful. We need to put wisdom in all that we do. We need to practice kindness with wisdom, not practice kindness blindly and hold it like a badge.

It's like one of those overused adages which have been around for the longest time - "customers are always right." But we all know that's not always true. Modern day businesses have already started firing difficult clients.

Being kind to parents, but unkind to yourself after a certain point is just foolish. You need to be kind to yourself too. If being around a family member fills you with negativity, anger and a sense of dread, it's time to be kind to yourself than hold yourself blindly to "he's my brother therefore I cannot even be thinking of not talking to him."

Rather than go wholesale with laws and advice peddled to us by others, we should also think about it ourselves too. As Napoleon wrote, "The laws that govern circumstances are abolished by new circumstances."

And therefore;

To the absent family member:

Relationships are about investment. If you truly care about someone, you will invest – whether it’s a phone call, planning a birthday in advance, going for lunch regularly or keeping that person involved in your life. Yes, not just your boyfriend. But to mom, dad, sister and brother too. Love can be built, love can expand and love can contract. It's your life. But one day, your family may also get use to living their life without you.

To the family who isn't picture perfect.

Family is everything. We hear that over and over in every festive commercial and every celebrity who wins an award in his acceptance speech. We know it! But there are some people for whom, family just doesn't work that well. Have a little understanding for these people. When I read about people not having a relationship with a parent, I can only imagine the amount of emotions that have happened for this difficult decision to come about. Family is wonderful but in some cases, it's not that great. That's just the way it is for some people. And guess what? It's not a tragic life thereafter.

This article was written in 2016.